I am an addict.
No, I'm not addicted to alcohol. I rarely drink, maybe 1-2 drinks a month maximum. And I don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes, or gamble.
I'm addicted to caffeine. And I hate it.
It never used to be like this. I can remember a time, not that long ago, that I would go to Starbucks and order a Spiced Apple Cider, which is a non-caffeinated drink. I would certainly drink caffeine, of course...a soda a few days a week...but it was nothing serious.
Then I discovered coffee. The gateway.
Now, I need a cup of coffee every morning. I usually brew it myself at home, in order to save money, but if I feel like treating myself I go to Starbucks. A Tall or Grande size won't do it for me...I need the Venti. Once in a while, if I've had a long night being up with A, I'll even order a double-shot.
And don't even get me started on my soda intake! Those of you health nuts who are reading this will cringe, but I need about 2 Diet Cokes a day (in addition to my morning coffee) to get me through. These days I buy the kind with vitamins and minerals, to fool myself into thinking it's healthier. Ha ha.
If I don't get my daily caffeine, I am grouchy, tired, and worst of all get a withdrawal headache. That's how I know I'm addicted...it's the withdrawal symptoms.
I don't like being addicted to caffeine...but don't know how to stop. As a busy mom, especially being a mother to a daughter with so many needs, I don't have time to spend a few days nursing a terrible headache. I get unsolicited migraines as it is; I don't want to volunteer for killer headaches. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place....wanting to quit but not having the strength too.
Maybe I should look into ways of weaning myself off. I'm not against caffeine per se...it has it's time and place. It's the needing I can do without...I don't have a choice in the matter anymore, and I want my choice back.
Ironmother Week: The Mind
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